Loving the Dead and Gone by Judith Turner-Yamamoto

Author:Judith Turner-Yamamoto [Turner-Yamamoto, Judith]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Regal House Publishing
Published: 2022-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

10

Aurilla

The gold chain dropped onto the dining room table, coiling like a snake around the tiny cross I had worn since I was saved at fourteen. My hand flew to my neck before I could stop myself.

“You lose this?” Joe asked. “I found it out by the barn.”

“I must have,” I said, murmuring thanks. The room spun around me. I trained my eyes on my plate, hoping my chair would anchor me, not daring to look in Hank’s direction.

“That’s a piece of luck,” I heard Mrs. Cutter say from what seemed like a long way off. “You’d better check the clasp before you go wearing it again.”

I heard the sound of Jay’s voice, Hank’s laugh, and the chatter of the girls, without hearing a single word. Berta Mae’s high chair was pulled in tight beside me. The gentle kick of her legs against my arm brought me back to myself. I swirled the spoon in the mashed potatoes, held it to Berta Mae’s mouth.

Joe hadn’t found my cross in the dark. How long had he carried it? Since dinnertime? Since this morning? He would have known it was mine. He must have watched the glint of gold shift against my skin as he moved into me time and time again.

I waited for him to say more, but knew he wouldn’t. He was never one for talk while he ate, and these were already more words than had passed between us in weeks. I watched the pot roast disappear off his place in regular steady bites. He took no deep breaths to calm himself; there was no pulsing vein in his temple.

My secret was safe for now.

How many clues would Joe need before he knew? If he came home early and saw me coming out of the barn would that be enough? If he woke at night and didn’t find me beside him, twice, four times? The many ways I could be found out multiplied faster than I could follow the possibilities. But the lies I told came just as easy and fast, growing between us, pushing us even farther apart.

Fear crept out of hiding to find me. Thick as cotton batting, it wound itself tight around my head, layer on layer, smothering me. I cared for the children, worked beside Mrs. Cutter, and lay down with Joe, and no one seemed to know this was my false life. No one except Leonora. I kept the letter she sent. I knew it by heart, like I knew the Lord’s Prayer or the twenty-third Psalm; it was my mother’s epistle to me.

Dear Aurilla,

I’d never write this if I didn’t know it was you getting the mail each day. With Hank sharing our Sunday visits there’s been no chance to speak openly.

I didn’t say a word with the first Cutter, but now that you’re going around with another one, I’ve got to speak up. It’s nothing against Hank, let me say that right off. Arnold was his age when he left home and having him around feels like having a son again.

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